and it draws to a close

This is the official end to "This Girl's Life." I have truly enjoyed this space but due to my current life circumstances, I must close this portal into the underpinnings of my daily doings, for there are people who would twist and pervert and then use such details against me. I wish I were just being paranoid but sadly, it's all too true. And those people know who they are.

Proverbs 11:13
A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret.
Proverbs 20:19
A gossip betrays a confidence; so avoid a man who talks too much.

My favorite Easter hymn

Low in the grave He lay, Jesus my Savior,

Waiting the coming day, Jesus my Lord!

Up from the grave He arose,

With a mighty triumph o’er His foes,

He arose a Victor from the dark domain,

And He lives forever, with His saints to reign.

He arose! He arose!

Hallelujah! Christ arose!

Vainly they watch His bed, Jesus my Savior;

Vainly they seal the dead, Jesus my Lord!

Up from the grave He arose,
With a mighty triumph o’er His foes,
He arose a Victor from the dark domain,
And He lives forever, with His saints to reign.
He arose! He arose!
Hallelujah! Christ arose!

Death cannot keep its Prey, Jesus my Savior;

He tore the bars away, Jesus my Lord!

Up from the grave He arose,
With a mighty triumph o’er His foes,
He arose a Victor from the dark domain,
And He lives forever, with His saints to reign.
He arose! He arose!
Hallelujah! Christ arose!

April is Autism Awareness Month

I'm a few days late in getting this posted, but I'd be quite remiss in my duties as Auntie B if I didn't use this blog as a forum for raising autism awareness, not only for my precious nephew Ethan, but for all the kids who daily struggle with an autism spectrum disorder. The Centers for Disease Control now estimate that the prevalence of autism spectrum disorders occurs in 1 of 150 children. Of course, nobody wants to see any child struggle with this, but to me, that statistic seems of epidemic proportions, so we have to do something now to find a cure!

I just want to take a minute to talk about my little buddy. Ethan is 4 years old and has been in speech and occupational therapy for 2 years now. Our family thanks God for each new achievement and every little bit of progress we see. Through Ethan's hard work, the help of sign language, and the dedication of his parents, grandparents, teachers, therapists, aunts and uncles, Ethan is able to communicate with us. His speech is still quite limited, but with effort, we can understand him and vice versa.

I am so thankful, most of all, for Ethan's sweet spirit. For example, most of the adults in his family have been fighting colds for a few weeks now, and Ethan has taken to asking, "Mama, Mama, you otay (okay)?" if he hears his mommy coughing...or his Pa-pa or Nanna, for that matter. We didn't teach him that...the expression of concern is purely volitional on his part and perfectly demonstrates what a loving little boy he is.

I have all the hope in the world and every reason to believe that Ethan can and will rise above his difficulties and as his daddy says, "prove them all wrong." If anybody can do it, my little buddy can.

I love you Ethan Lee, and I'm so proud of you, every day of your life. You are truly a good and perfect gift from the Father.

Yes, I'm still here

I'm alive but...just barely, sometimes. I want to keep going with this blog even though my life has drastically changed in the last month...

I want to be honest but brief. I am separated from my husband, both legally and physically. We are living apart and our life together is very much shattered and as I put it to my friends, on life support. With people in the next room debating on whether it would just be better to pull the plug.

Yes, friends, it's that bad. I won't pretend that it isn't. However, I will not disparage my husband in this semi-public forum, even though it's my personal journal. Some things are just not share-able, nor should they be. So even though I might mention my thoughts and feelings about the separation, I won't mention specifics. Let it suffice to say that we both are contributors to the problems, and it will take both of us to come to a reconciliation. And it will have to be of the Lord, or it won't happen at all. Until then, I am going ahead with my life as best as I can, with the daily strength that only The Comforter can provide, nurtured through the day, sometimes from hour to hour, by the beautiful and amazing love I'm being shown and given by faithful friends and dearest loved ones. You guys know who you are, and I thank you with all of my heart.

So I hope all of my blog readers will forgive me if I'm not my usual self. However, life goes on. And that's what I'm trying to do...move on, looking to the future with hope, knowing that my future is in the right hands.

these are a few of my favorite things, part 2

Since my first post about favorite things featured antiques, I thought I'd go with a "b" word for this second post (although I don't know if I can cover the entire alphabet, but we'll see...)

For my second post, I'd like to discuss a favorite of mine: beauty products. When I was in high school and in charge of tooling myself and my sister Katie about town, there used to be a huge pharmacy-type warehouse just down the street from my school, called Phar-Mor (remember that, Worm?). It wasn't so much Katie's thing at the time, but I used to talk her into letting me stop there for a little bit...the automatic door would usher me in, I'd grab a basket and place it in the crook of my arm, and...start strolling down aisle after aisle of products that promised to make me healthier (eh) and/or more beautiful (yes, please!). With a couple of twenties earned from babysitting on Saturday nights burning a hole in my purse, I'd carefully weigh my choices...should I spend it all on one bottle of perfume or go for a whole slew of Cover Girl cosmetics??? Oh, decisions, decisions. But never was I happier to be in such a quandary. And my Caboodle was chock-full of products that would make beauty queens jealous and southern belles proud...oh that Caboodle. It was hot pink and had 3 layers that would fold out and practically whisper to me of the beauty we could create together...

But I digress. I was in Ulta today with my friend Jen and I started to have these wonderful memories of my Phar-Mor days...it's been awhile since I let myself liberally spend money on beauty products, but a little bonus from work suddenly felt like babysitting money all over again. So, I let myself. A cylinder of Clinique Happy perfume, a tube of Blistex chapstick/lip gloss, a jug of Johnson's baby oil, a jar of Andrea's Eye-Qs eye makeup remover pads, and a bottle of Cetaphil face wash later, and oh, about three twenties lighter (inflation? hehe), I emerged with a huge smile on my face and...I think I heard something whispering to me of potential beauty all wrapped up in a pretty bag in my hands.

So after all these years of experimenting with beauty products (yeah, high school wasn't, er, last year), what are the best ones out there? Well, I'm still experimenting and sadly, still being disappointed (that whispering voice doesn't exactly always tell the truth!). However, there are the tried-and-true products that have passed the test of time and products that have recently won me over:

1. If there's anything I've tested 8 million different products of, it's foundation. And after, ooh, about 12 years of wearing liquid foundations, I finally found the dream foundation. Literally. It's Maybelline's "dream matte mousse" foundation, and it goes on so light and airy and not all messy and greasy like liquid foundations. This foundation lets you apply just what you need and no more. You don't have to rub and blend and all that bother -- it really just smooths on, quick as a wink, and you're done. And it stays on all day. And doesn't make your face shiny. And doesn't clog your pores. Have I said yet that I love this foundation???



2. Just recently I was having my hair done at Robert's (another indulgence) and I was testing out a new stylist and while she was washing my hair, she asked me what shampoo I'd been using. Why, SunSilk -- "get hairapy" shampoo, of course! Then she gently suggested I give up cheap, mass-marketed shampoos and conditioners forever and just invest in good quality products. I said, why, is my hair gross? And she said, of course not, it's very clean...it's just that I can feel build-up. Well, I wasn't sure that I believed her until...I invested in some good quality hair products. After an hour of perusing the shelves in the Beauty Brands store, I finally decided on the Bain de Terre products and can I say, they've won a customer for life. My hair has never felt cleaner, never felt lighter and healthier. My stylist was right. Please, for the love of your manes, give up your cheap-o Suave crap and just buy some good hair products!!!


3. Another product I've recently fallen for is the Revlon ColorStay duos. I was intrigued by the idea of having a "salon-looking" manicure for an eighth of the cost, and these little buddies did not disappoint. I do my nails once a week, and this is the first set of nail polish and sealants that have withstood all the hand-washings, showers, baths, dishes, bangs, scrapes, and all the various sorts of torture my nails usually go through! In fact, I loved the "always vintage" color so much that I went out and bought the "always pink chiffon" color and love that one even more!





4. My first experience with Burt's Bees lip balm was actually in the hospital a few years ago. My dear friend Julie brought me a care package with all kinds of goodies, and this chapstick was among them. I tried it right then and there and was so impressed by the pleasant minty aroma and the long-lasting smooth and creamy balm. Now I use it every night after I brush my teeth, and my lips are soft and still smooth in the mornings!


5. I'll end this post with perhaps my favorite beauty products of all -- bath products! If there ever should be a job designed for me, it would be testing bath supplies... Anyway, here are two of my favorites, Caress and Johnson's Bedtime Bath for Baby. My mama has always used Caress and even now when I use it, I am filled with such cozy warm fuzzies. The sweet and light fragrance is just enough to make your skin smell good without smelling perfumey. And I can't say enough good things about Johnson's baby products. Baby bath oils, soap, powder, lotion -- it's all good. You know why? Because it's so mild. Human skin LOVES mild...a good thing to learn and remember!!!
















Now, before I take off, I would love to know if anybody else has some tried-and-true favorites? Some beauty products you just can't live without? Please, do tell!

live-blogging the Oscars

I hate to admit this publically, although I'm not exactly what you'd call "in the closet" about it...I'm fascinated with Hollywood. How truly superficial and generic of me, I know! But don't judge me...I took film classes in college so I think that technically makes me...academically interested? (nice try, huh?)

Anyway, I'm watching the Oscars right now and Jennifer Hudson just won in her category. How exciting was that? And I'm so relieved she took that capelet thingey off!

I've always loved the Oscars. Even used to throw Oscar parties at my house every year but the content got to be so offensive at times that I couldn't watch the show in front of my parents without wanting to die of embarrassment. Although I have to say, they've cleaned it up in the last couple of years so I might throw out the ole red carpet again next year...

I'm a big fan of lists, so here's my top 10 list (so far) on all things Academy Awards 2007:

1. Is Cameron Diaz wearing a dress made of notebook paper glued together? Ick.
   
2. Ellen is funny, funny, funny. I don't hold my breath every time she opens her mouth, waiting for some tacky, offensive, or just plain stupid comment to come spewing forth (ahemWhoopieGoldbergahem).
3. Is anybody else weirded out by the fact that when Tom Cruise took the stage, you could see Nicole Kidman in the audience, and she was clapping? Poor thing, you probably have to clap, no matter what. Don't worry honey, you traded up, whereas Tom...
4. Okay, the Al-Gore-Uber-LoveFest-'07 was giggle-worthy the first couple of times, but dang, people. Get OVER it.
   
5. I hate how we the audience has to sit through 18 completely forgettable categories just to get to 1 exciting moment, which is then promptly cut off by an anxious orchestra!
6. I do believe my favorite moment so far was the unexpected but hysterical performance by Will Farrell, Jack Black, and John C. Riley.
   
7. I get made fun of this all the time, but I will forever be in love with the magical voice of Celine Dion.
8. Regardless of my own fascination with Hollywood, I can't get over how deeply in love Hollywood is...with itself. It can get extremely nauseating. Which is probably why they have that anxious orchestra on hand, come to think of it...
9. Why-oh-why do they nominate children for Oscars? Yeah, it's cute -- for like 2 seconds! And then you have to watch the poor things sit through a lengthy presentation that most adults barely find stimulating after the first few awards!
   
10. And finally, what is UP with those weird contortionist/interpretive dancer/carnie folk behind the curtains people? You gotta wonder sometimes, about the decision-making that goes into these things..."Yeah, I had this great idea of using silhouetted out-of-work Broadway dancers to contort their limbs into representations of the nominated best films!"

Anybody else have anything they love/hate about the Oscars this year?

these are a few of my favorite things

It's high time for a light-hearted post, so here I go...

We all have our favorites in life. And as I've discovered, our favorites tend to change and evolve as we age. If you read this blog even semi-occasionally, you know that I adore my "staples" in life: coffee, books, massages, etc. However, I think I've neglected some of my other favorites...and hey, it's always fun to focus on the things that make us feel comforted and happy! So in no particular order...

*Antiques. I adore antiquing. In fact, after my recent weeks of sadness and silence, Adam took me antiquing on a Saturday afternoon and I can't even put into words the joy of being distracted by lovely old things!
I have Kate to thank for my new obsession with antiques...she lives just down the street from a 3-story building that's basically a warehouse of antiques. And good antiques at that (yes, there are levels of quality in antiques!). What started out as merely an outing with my dearest friend became a treasure-hunt process for myself! Now I'm crushed if we don't make it to Norma's Antiques when I'm in Michigan visiting.
So here are a few of my favorites...




















I bought this Brandenburg lace shower curtain at the Franklin Antique Mall for $19. I also bought a set of lamps (one of them shown here) for $30 together...I rewired them myself! (Home Depot really does back up the whole "you can do it, we can help" motto!)





















I love milk glass (the creamy white glass that you can't really find brand-new anymore). These candlesticks were a Christmas present from my sister Sarah...I adore them. The teacup and saucer were a birthday present from Kate...purchased at Norma's! I started this collection just a few months ago...there's just something about drinking tea in clear glass, something about it makes the experience more, I don't know, aesthetically pleasing?

Anyway, I'm suddenly out of time, but more favorites to come!

UPDATE!: I was just browsing some of my favorite blogs and I found that another blogger, BigMama, has been listing some of her favorite things as well! I swear, this was a complete coincidence, but what a funny one!

the formula for a perfect Valentine's day...

beautiful flowers...


















a warm fire...














yummy food...


















and a foxy Valentine.

Kate's baby shower

I ventured up to Michigan this past weekend to see my Kate one last time before her baby girl's arrival next month (oh my heavens!) and to attend her baby shower. The pictures don't need my help in stating the obvious, but my-oh-my, Kate is glowing with joy and contentment. And it's not just in front of her cherished family and friends...it is a glow that never leaves her face and demeanor. Even first thing in the morning!

The shower was hosted by a lovely lady named Carol Long, who is an old friend of the Timmer clan. She served white chicken chili, which was incredible, and yummy desserts with tea and coffee in her nice china. Such an elegant afternoon...just the type of ultra-feminine activity I don't get enough of!
































(can you see the popped-out belly button???)







































gorgeous pink tulips (yes, it was a Dutch baby shower alright!)






























































Godspeed your way here, little Sweet Pea! Your Auntie B is eager to meet you and kiss your precious face!

a time for silence

If you know me personally, you know that I can always find something to say. About anything. Give me a topic, I will orally expound for the length of time you have to listen. So you can imagine my own shock when something happens that for all intents and purposes, renders me mute.

I've debated and debated sharing this here, but since this blog serves as my journal, I thought, either mention it here or there will always be a weird, inexplicable gap. And the truth is, I find such comfort in talking things out and since I've been so incapable of actual speech on this, I'm going to force myself to "say" it here. I had a miscarriage. There, I typed it. Not that it makes the reality of it any more real. Hardly. I've had the most difficult time embracing this as fact. I even tried to talk my OB/GYN out of that diagnosis...he kept furrowing his eyebrows as I tried to argue with what he was saying. But ultrasounds don't lie, nor does actual physical evidence. Isn't denial one of the stages of grief? Well, I've been firmly rooted in denial...and the thing is, I know why. I want to deny because if I accept, I accept all the spiritual implications of the experience. And where my spiritual state is concerned, this is the place where the rubber meets the road. This is the "battleground" (for lack of a better word) where I have met the Lord time and time again. You know the story about Jacob wrestling the Angel of the Lord? Yeah, I identify with that...I feel I've emotionally wrestled with God on this topic for half of my adult life!

For the past 6 years Adam and I have not prevented conception. I phrase it that way because we weren't "trying" per se for all those months, but definitely not preventing. Long story short: we tried, we failed, we gave up. After months and months of true emotional agony, I finally accepted what I felt the Lord was telling me: "not now, possibly never." Okay then. Well, then last August happened. I went to my OB/GYN for a check-up and shared some things with him which prompted him to do a quick ultrasound. What we found shocked both of us (my doctor has performed surgery on me and has literally held my hand through some truly heinous and scary reproductive problems). The ultrasound showed...perfectly normal girl functions! Dr. Ensley said, have at it kiddo, it looks like things are working. What followed from there was a see-saw, back-and-forth pondering, do I even want to try? Can I handle disappointment? We decided to just see what happened and hope for the best. And that's been the going mantra in my marriage where babies are concerned...until now.

You see, I think I had it in my head that God would either give a resounding "Yes!" with a healthy pregnancy, or a firm but loving "No" with simply no success. I had absolutely no preparation in my spirit for "Maybe." And that's exactly where I find myself. To me, that's what miscarriage is: a "maybe." A completed conception but not a completed pregnancy. Not a failed attempt, but a failed success. If that makes sense. And if I could summarize the nature of a miscarriage, it is exactly that: it doesn't make sense to me. Why start something that won't be finished? Why give hope and happiness only to snatch it away? You see what I mean about wanting to avoid the spiritual implications of what happened? These are not questions that are easy to ask, let alone be vulnerable and honest enough to accept the answers when they come.

And the answers have been coming. From surprising sources. Not only answers, but comfort in astonishing forms. I have found that the Lord is truly nigh to those of a broken heart. He doesn't allow something to happen and then leave you hanging off a cliff's edge, desperately grappling for an anchor, a foothold. He allows difficult and harsh things to happen but boy does He ever let you land on a feather pillow the size of Texas. At least, that has been my experience with this. I have found it so difficult to pray, and the extent of my prayers has been, Lord Jesus, I don't get it. I don't get it! But I know that the Holy Spirit hears the groanings of our spirit...it's like a heart language that only God can hear and understand, and I know God has been listening. I've had love and friendship manifested to me in truly remarkable ways. My husband has been amazing to me...and the greatest gift to come of all this has been a newfound spirit of unity and precious affection between us. How grateful I am for that! A couple of friends have given me such insightful, wise words that I now carry with me and repeat to myself in darker moments...again, what a gift! I think the sweetest outpouring of God's comfort came in the form of my 2-year-old niece Abigail. On the very day this happened, I went to my parents' house (I have a homing beacon that sounds shrilly in my head when bad things happen and it only goes quiet when in the presence of my mom and dad) and they had been babysitting Abby and well, in all truth, she couldn't get enough of her Aunt B that morning. She put her arms around my neck and gave me squeezes and refused to leave my lap. And her Aunt B didn't mind at all. You'd almost think it would make things worse to be around a little child, but that's the mystery of God...He knows what will comfort and that's what He provides. I don't think Abby will ever know how much her baby kisses blessed me that day.

As for answers...truth is being slowly revealed to me. I should say, I am slowly receiving the truth that is being shown to me. The Lord knows I have my defenses up but He is weaving this comfort and this truth around those defenses and pouring out His love in spite of my anger and hurt and fear. He is using this "battleground" to once again teach me of His ways.

All this to say, I don't have these answers yet, but I know I will be eager to share them when they come. The Lord will give me the words and my frozen tongue will melt! Until then, it is my greatest comfort of all to know that the Lord is nigh, and that He is working. I may be silent, but God is not. He is speaking, and I am listening.

forced to break blog silence...

to celebrate with my Colts!

And how amazing was that speech by Tony Dungy??? Speaking of his opposing coach, saying "Two Christian coaches showing you can win it doing it the Lord's way"..........you can't tell me the Lord didn't pave the way in that man's life for him to come through trial and adversity, just to stand on a podium this evening and give God the glory for all the good gifts in his life. I'm simply in awe.

And, along with my sister, we hope that Indianapolis doesn't burn tonight! Hahahaha!

Habbakkuk 3:17,18
Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior.

a leave of absence

I'm going to be putting "This Girl's Life" on a shelf for a short while, hopefully not too long. There's way too much stuff going on and it's all of a private nature and I just can't bring myself to talk about it here, nor do I have the energy to blab about trivial, random things right now.

When I come back, I'll be sharing a few updates.

Oh, and don't abandon me completely...especially if you read "This Girl's Books." We're still on for beginning "A Passage to India" (EM Forster) starting February 1st. I plan to keep posting there regularly.

Super Bowl XLI, here we come

I can hardly believe it. No, there ain't no "hardly" about it -- I really can't believe it. I asked, I prayed, I hoped. But it didn't seem possible, considering our down luck in the past, but...

We're going to the SuperBowl. My guys pulled it out. It looked pretty bleak there at halftime: 21 to 6, Patriots. Good glory, that was ugly. And I admit it, I gave up. Turned the game off, thought, my poor daddy will be so disappointed again...but then, miracle of miracles...we came back. A comeback of all comebacks...and I quote, "the biggest comeback in conference championship history."

You know what? I'm a drama girl, but let's face it, I'm from a drama town. What a fitting victory. My Colts...I've never been more proud to be a Hoosier. Yeah baby, we're going to the SuperBowl!

a letter to the Colts

Dear Indianapolis Colts,

You guys began a game with the New England Patriots about 10 minutes ago. But this isn't just any old game, this game will determine whether y'all go to the Super Bowl or not. And it will determine more than that...your Super Bowl hopes might be on the line, but the pride of a Midwestern city is on the line, too.

You see, for the last several days, I've seen nothing but blue and white in this town. From the kids streaming out of Greenwood Middle School, to the kid working the drive-thru at McDonald's, to my fellow churchgoers this morning...we wear the colors proudly because we're proud of you, proud of how far you've taken your game, how far you've taken our city. Even those of us who don't care a twit about football...well, we care about you!

So, my dear Indianapolis Colts, please play with your hearts today. Play with the hopes of Indianapolis in your minds. Even if you lose, we love you. But if you win...

Love,
Becky

I think I may just die and go to heaven after this

A brand-new, Masterpiece Theatre rendition of JANE EYRE! I'm nearly choking on the ecstasy of it all!

You know, I've had a truly despicable week, but I think it was just redeemed... Hallelujah!!!

In case you were somehow unaware (don't see how that's possible), you can read about my obsession with this book/movie here, here, here, here, and here. Sheesh.

Happy Anniversary, This Girl's Life!

Or is it a "blog-o-versary?" Yep, a year ago today I started my adventure in the blog-o-sphere, and I have to admit, I've been pleasantly surprised by how delightful the whole experience has proved to be. Click here to re-visit my first postie...

And, just an FYI, I plan to return to some more "meaty" posts very soon...just haven't had the, er, emotional capacity to think deep thoughts lately...

please, Lord

'Nuff said.

check it out!

To all my blog visitors who are voracious readers...check out my other blog and consider joining!

don't know what to say...

other than, if I ever whine about my life ever again, please someone, smack me upside the head as hard as you can. If you ever think you're suffering, just visit Kelli at her blog and read her story here and here, but most of all read her prayer to the Lord Jesus here.

May God bless you Kelli, and answer your prayers abundantly. I'm praying for you.