If you know me personally, you know that I can always find something to say. About anything. Give me a topic, I will orally expound for the length of time you have to listen. So you can imagine my own shock when something happens that for all intents and purposes, renders me mute.
I've debated and debated sharing this here, but since this blog serves as my journal, I thought, either mention it here or there will always be a weird, inexplicable gap. And the truth is, I find such comfort in talking things out and since I've been so incapable of actual speech on this, I'm going to force myself to "say" it here. I had a miscarriage. There, I typed it. Not that it makes the reality of it any more real. Hardly. I've had the most difficult time embracing this as fact. I even tried to talk my OB/GYN out of that diagnosis...he kept furrowing his eyebrows as I tried to argue with what he was saying. But ultrasounds don't lie, nor does actual physical evidence. Isn't denial one of the stages of grief? Well, I've been firmly rooted in denial...and the thing is, I know why. I want to deny because if I accept, I accept all the spiritual implications of the experience. And where my spiritual state is concerned, this is the place where the rubber meets the road. This is the "battleground" (for lack of a better word) where I have met the Lord time and time again. You know the story about Jacob wrestling the Angel of the Lord? Yeah, I identify with that...I feel I've emotionally wrestled with God on this topic for half of my adult life!
For the past 6 years Adam and I have not prevented conception. I phrase it that way because we weren't "trying" per se for all those months, but definitely not preventing. Long story short: we tried, we failed, we gave up. After months and months of true emotional agony, I finally accepted what I felt the Lord was telling me: "not now, possibly never." Okay then. Well, then last August happened. I went to my OB/GYN for a check-up and shared some things with him which prompted him to do a quick ultrasound. What we found shocked both of us (my doctor has performed surgery on me and has literally held my hand through some truly heinous and scary reproductive problems). The ultrasound showed...perfectly normal girl functions! Dr. Ensley said, have at it kiddo, it looks like things are working. What followed from there was a see-saw, back-and-forth pondering, do I even want to try? Can I handle disappointment? We decided to just see what happened and hope for the best. And that's been the going mantra in my marriage where babies are concerned...until now.
You see, I think I had it in my head that God would either give a resounding "Yes!" with a healthy pregnancy, or a firm but loving "No" with simply no success. I had absolutely no preparation in my spirit for "Maybe." And that's exactly where I find myself. To me, that's what miscarriage is: a "maybe." A completed conception but not a completed pregnancy. Not a failed attempt, but a failed success. If that makes sense. And if I could summarize the nature of a miscarriage, it is exactly that: it doesn't make sense to me. Why start something that won't be finished? Why give hope and happiness only to snatch it away? You see what I mean about wanting to avoid the spiritual implications of what happened? These are not questions that are easy to ask, let alone be vulnerable and honest enough to accept the answers when they come.
And the answers have been coming. From surprising sources. Not only answers, but comfort in astonishing forms. I have found that the Lord is truly nigh to those of a broken heart. He doesn't allow something to happen and then leave you hanging off a cliff's edge, desperately grappling for an anchor, a foothold. He allows difficult and harsh things to happen but boy does He ever let you land on a feather pillow the size of Texas. At least, that has been my experience with this. I have found it so difficult to pray, and the extent of my prayers has been, Lord Jesus, I don't get it. I don't get it! But I know that the Holy Spirit hears the groanings of our spirit...it's like a heart language that only God can hear and understand, and I know God has been listening. I've had love and friendship manifested to me in truly remarkable ways. My husband has been amazing to me...and the greatest gift to come of all this has been a newfound spirit of unity and precious affection between us. How grateful I am for that! A couple of friends have given me such insightful, wise words that I now carry with me and repeat to myself in darker moments...again, what a gift! I think the sweetest outpouring of God's comfort came in the form of my 2-year-old niece Abigail. On the very day this happened, I went to my parents' house (I have a homing beacon that sounds shrilly in my head when bad things happen and it only goes quiet when in the presence of my mom and dad) and they had been babysitting Abby and well, in all truth, she couldn't get enough of her Aunt B that morning. She put her arms around my neck and gave me squeezes and refused to leave my lap. And her Aunt B didn't mind at all. You'd almost think it would make things worse to be around a little child, but that's the mystery of God...He knows what will comfort and that's what He provides. I don't think Abby will ever know how much her baby kisses blessed me that day.
As for answers...truth is being slowly revealed to me. I should say, I am slowly receiving the truth that is being shown to me. The Lord knows I have my defenses up but He is weaving this comfort and this truth around those defenses and pouring out His love in spite of my anger and hurt and fear. He is using this "battleground" to once again teach me of His ways.
All this to say, I don't have these answers yet, but I know I will be eager to share them when they come. The Lord will give me the words and my frozen tongue will melt! Until then, it is my greatest comfort of all to know that the Lord is nigh, and that He is working. I may be silent, but God is not. He is speaking, and I am listening.
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20 comments:
From one not nearly as gifted in words...just know that we serve an amazing God. And even during the times when you can't even utter a prayer - Jesus is sitting at the right hand of the Father interceding on your behalf - because he is the only one that truly knows exactly what you are going through. Know we are praying for courage to face each new day and comfort and perserverance and strength. Love you!!
"Maybe"... it's never maybe!!! God gave you a gift. For a short time, you had the gift of life within you however small it may have been... it was there. And it's not always about the end result... a baby in your arms. God did this for a reason, he always has a reason!!! I must admit I was a bit sad by your words. You always set such an example of a great and wonderful relationship with our Lord and then for you to say the things you did! It's never a maybe. God always has a purpose. Why do we loose pregnancies, why do we loose children of any age for any reason, why do we loose our grandparents, jobs, fires, tornadoes, etc. You hopefully get the picture. I don't know of your specific religion and certain beliefs but if you know anything about saints... you are a parent of a saint now. Your baby was taken into heaven sin free!!! Take comfort in that. And just remember it's not always the finish line in which to be focused but the journey and the LESSONS God is lovingly sending your way whether you understand or even accept them. He is trying to teach you something in taking your little one on a direct route to heaven. Have faith... plain and simple. Many people have been in your same shoes, myself included... trust the Lord. Leave your shoes and your troubles at the door. God has a plan, be open to it.
Where God closes a door he opens a window. Look for your window.
To Anonymous who left a message at 2:36 pm:
Wow. I'm more than a bit taken aback by the vehemence of your words. You say you have had a miscarriage yourself but your words are not tempered with gentleness and that is what I need now more than ever before -- gentleness and understanding...not a scolding. I'm sorry to make you sad at my words but I am made of clay and the Potter is molding me and it is a process, so my faith will never be perfect and complete until I'm in heaven. My stumblings and fumblings are part of that process and should not be judged by anyone else in that process -- I can only be judged by the Potter Himself. I do have faith and I do trust in the Lord -- I'm pretty sure my post communicated that.
In the future, please identify yourself in your messages. When you don't identify yourself it makes me think you are taking license with your anonymity to say things you wouldn't say if I knew your identity, and that clouds my view of your message.
Becky, I am a new reader. Found you from my friend Susan at Fruitful Words - I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I am not a mother myself, but have many friends who are. And though I have never personally experienced what you are going through, I know that it is painful to lose a baby.
Sometimes life is just painful. And yes, there are lessons. And yes we grow and stuff, but sometimes it just plain hurts. I hope you can feel Jesus hurting with you. He is a Man of Sorrows and acquainted with grief.
Maybe for a while you should try not put a bunch of pressure on yourself to understand the "why". Just know that it is. And it sucks. But He is with you in it.
Praying for you,
Doodah
Dear Anonymous,
I must admit that I am disgusted by your tongue lashing. Is it okay to rip a human's feelings in the name of the Lord? To me, that is nasty, unsupportive and hypocrtical. Becky has the right to grieve. Of course the finish line is shorter for her but she is allowed to be saddened by the short journey. Even if this is the lesson, who appointed you as the teacher's assistant?
Dear Doodah,
Thank you so much for your kind words. It is good advice to not force myself to see and learn lessons when still in the midst of the sorrow. But I'm trying to be open to God and hear His gentle voice. That is my goal and lovely people like yourself help me to stay focused on that goal. Again, thanks for just commiserating and offering encouragement. It is truly appreciated.
My dearest Ami,
My plucky friend, thank you for defending me. Thank you also for making me laugh when I was feeling so hurt a while ago. You're the bestest.
Hey B! I was the first anonymous - just wanted to be encouraging without a name. Just this morning I was reading in Luke 18 of the man who sat along the side of the road begging. The people going before Jesus tried to silence him and told him not to make a scene. To them - they were better than that. But to Jesus - he heard the voice of blind beggar calling out his name. And to those that tried to silence this dirty, imperfect person - Jesus had them bring him to His feet. More than ever - Jesus hears your faint voice calling His name. He has brought you to His feet. And there he will spend some time because you are broken and crying out for help and that is exactly the type of person Jesus beckons to Himself. To the person that wrote the comment - I encourage you to look at Job. A man considered righteous by the Father but a man who called out in desperation at times asking "Why?". Or maybe at the fact that even Jesus (God himself) grieved over the loss of his best friend. In both of these stories God had a purpose :)
Becky, When I read your post I was humbled by your honesty and openness. I'm sure it wasn't an easy thing to write, but I'm glad you did. As someone who has never been pregnant, I don't know what to say at such a sad time.
I was surprised and a bit shocked when I read anonymous' comment earlier today, and I wanted to reach out and hug you! I have been trying to think of some comforting words to say, but I'm drawing up blank. So, I hope you will recognize the intention of this comment even if I don't know the right words to say. Please don't let others tear you down, especially when they don't identify themselves. I know you know God has a plan, and I know you are trusting Him... but that doesn't make it any easier.
Perhaps you might find this post helpful to give to others as a reference?
*HUGS* Please let me know if there is anything I can do or say!
Anonymous 2:36
Please, hold your stones. I was only trying to help you look for the silver lining in all of this, ie... one of many lessons God teaches each and every one of us in a different. I did not expect you to see it right away. Make the best of the situation. These events make one thankful of friends and family. Just TRYING to lift you from your deep sorrow and lean towards a positive direction. I never said that you should not grieve. We all grieve for you and with you. I also never stated that any one of us being perfect in our faith. We learn and grow every day whether we realize it or not. And, yes, we ALL have set backs. I do personally know you and you know me. I wrote in anonymous because I felt this needed to be said, honest and truthful. I was just asking you to see this blessing you have been given. It might not be a bright and shiny blessing, but a blessing none the less. It was never meant as a scolding.
My dear, dear Becky,
Oh how my heart hurts for you today. I cried as I read. You are in my prayers, my friend. I KNOW your pain. Let me know if there is anything I can do. Take the time to grieve. Ask the questions. God understands. Rest in His arms -- there truly is comfort there. Lots of love & prayers.
whenever things would go horribly wrong and i would feel broken into so many pieces i didn't think it was possible to put them together again my mother would do two things:
1) give me the biggest hug imaginable while all the water in my body drained from my eyes.
2) tell me "the will of God will never lead you where the grace of God cannot keep you."
Christ wept in a time of great grief, as others have mentioned. Weeping is cathartic and a physical expression of the exasperation broken-ness brings to the human body. In a sense, I think it brings more clarity - God's way of reminding us what comes after the storm if you will.
God's grace will always bring you through. You know that. :) But it never hurts to hear it again.
*mental squeeze*
If I can do anything, or even not do anything and just listen, please let me know.
praying for you.
emily
Dear Anonymous 2:36,
I am so disheartened that you feel you can't disclose your identity when being honest and truthful with me. I like to believe that I am a strong and mature enough person to accept the truth when I hear it, regardless of how painful and accurate the message might be.
If I reacted in a way that was not strong and mature, please chalk it up to the fact that I've had a rough month and am struggling to go about normal life.
Regardless of my reaction, though, I'd encourage you on a couple of points: first, please speak to me privately about all of this so we can clear the air. Because I don't know your identity at this point, you will more than likely feel awkward at our next meeting and I won't have a clue that you were the person who commented here. I'd like to avoid that scenario. Second, I'd like you to understand where your words went from "asking me to see a blessing" to a scolding: "You always set such an example of a great and wonderful relationship with our Lord and then for you to say the things you did!"
With those words, you informed me of your disappointment in me. Apparently I didn't handle this situation the way you think I should have. Regardless of your intentions, it was a very hurtful thing to say.
Because you say you're a person in my life, I desperately wish to give you the benefit of the doubt and hope that something was merely lost in translation. However, I can't be sure of this unless and until you speak with me personally. I assure you, I will give you a chance to share your thoughts and I will not "throw stones."
One final note: I wish to clarify myself on one point, though it breaks my heart to do so. The child that I carried for a mere blink in time was not a "maybe" child. I agree with you, every child is a blessing, though he or she lives for 7 seconds or 70 years. But I was not speaking of the baby when I was referring to the "maybe" -- I was referring to the Lord's calling on my life as a possible parent. The truth of the matter is, I did not get a chance to parent that child. That privilege now rests solely with the Creator Himself. The "maybe" is whether or not I'll ever actually give birth and be a mommy. Whether or not I carry a child in my womb, I do not know if I will carry a child in my arms. That is the answer from God on which I still wait. And listen patiently for. And hope beyond hope that it is a "Yes."
Dearest Ashley,
I want you to know that you don't have to say a single word...that the simple act of signing on and offering up your support and hugs is all the friendship I can ask for in anyone! It means the world to me. As you can tell from this post and all the related comments, sometimes a comforting silence is the best gift of all to a grieving friend. And thank you for the link to the article...I'm actually going to use that in an upcoming post; I'm very interested in what spiritual authorities have to say about miscarriage and I'm so happy to read anything I can on the subject.
Again, thank you for just reaching out and being my friend.
Dear Terri,
You were actually one of the first people I thought of when the truth of what was happening began to dawn on my disbelieving mind. It is such a suspended state of disbelief, this grieving process, isn't it? I want more than anything to move on from this and have happy days again, but I know there is much soul-searching and listening and praying to do. It's funny that just when we need mental energies, we're zapped and can't find the strength to say more than "please help me Lord." But I know He's listening. If I didn't believe that with all my heart, I couldn't face the reality of this.
Thank you for being there, my friend. It means so much, more than I can say.
Dearest Emily,
How lovely that you fall back on your mom's advice when searching for words to say...lovely because I do the same thing! My mom's words of wisdom have been echoing around in my brain since this happened (that is, when she's not sharing them again in person!). The one piece of advice that I have leaned on this...now don't laugh...my mom always said, "when you feel powerless, clean something." Of course, my mom has shared far deeper sentiments with me in this time, but I like that one and it sure has come in handy. You wouldn't believe how clean my bathroom is right now! :)
Thank you for reminding me of your abiding friendship. I know you are there for me and just knowing it is such a source of comfort.
Dearest Becky,
MY heart saddened and my eyes teared when I read your simple 4 word sentence:"I had a miscarriage."
At that moment I was on my knees praying. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of you and your dh.
I so understood your thoughts about "maybe." My maybe didn't involve a miscarriage but a divorce not of my choosing.
I too had no "preparation in my spirit for Maybe."
I took your following words and applied them to my situation.
"And that's exactly where I find myself...Why start something that won't be finished? Why give hope and happiness only to snatch it away? You see what I mean about wanting to avoid the spiritual implications of what happened?"
You articulated so well some of my own struggle. I didn't know those "words were in me. Thank you for sharing.
I loved, appreciated, and grew from your honesty in your post and comments.
Becky, even in the midst of your pain you have been a blessing. Thank you, sister and fellow traveler done God's path.
I will be praying that OUr Heavenly Comforter and true Truth-Bearer will continue to send more "gigantic feather pillows the size of Texas" like Abby's kisses, your mom's cleaning advice and true comfort-words that some have extended here.
With love, prayers, and friendship,
Susan
Becky, your comment at my site about previewing a comment made me laugh, and I had to come here to say hi.
So I read through your first several posts to find this one, and wow, did it ever resonate with me! I've not had a miscarriage, but in an entirely different way I can understand the "maybe" concept--my daughter was born last May and soon after diagnosed with a syndrome that will affect her entire life. I understand asking God why He'd bless me with something, only to feel like it had been snatched back! My dreams for her, and for what having a daughter meant, all felt like they'd been given, then crushed in the space of a few minutes.
I hate to see a comment like the one Anonymous 2:36 left. There's nothing like being kicked when you're already down. Some things just need to be kept to ourselves--her comment is one of them.
Know that He is strong enough to handle any emotions you have--anger included. I unleashed everything I had in me back then, and He didn't forsake me.
I'm praying for you as you deal with the grief of losing your little one. God bless you for being honest and authentic in the middle of it.
Oh Becky, I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious baby! Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you now. No words can really help you at this time, however, cling to God's love and to Adam. God does love you so much! Trust in His purpose and rest in His peace. Take comfort in our eternal home where you'll meet Jesus and your baby face to face. Time will bring a sense of healing but you'll forever miss your precious little one. There are so many things that we aren't meant to understand until we get to heaven, and I believe that the loss of a child is one of those things. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and I truly will be praying for you often.
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