Over the upcoming days and weeks, you'll be seeing my blog go through an overhaul of sorts. Why? Because I'm sort of putting my life through an overhaul, and it really has only a teensy bit to do with the new year. In truth, it has everything to do with the fact that I'm turning 30 years old on Sunday. Ugh, just typing that made my throat constrict a little bit...but perhaps I should clarify. I'm not afraid of aging. Nope, that's not it. I think what it is...I'm afraid of running out of life before I'm done living it. Does anyone else think like me, like this? I hate to reference this movie, but you know in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy is staring at the big hourglass full of red sand, watching her time slip away and her fate drawing nigh??? Yeah, that image has always stayed with me, and not in a good way.
You see, in a way, I feel like I squandered a fair portion of my twenties. And the portion that I didn't squander, that I really feel I embraced and "owned" -- well, it seems squeezed into the latter part of my twenties. For example: I don't remember my life as a 23-year-old. What did I do (besides work)? What did I think about, worry about, fill my hours with? The problem is, my twenties did not pan out as I thought they would, as I had envisioned as a college grad, as a new bride. The life I thought I would have simply didn't materialize, and the realization of the gap between dream and reality occurred simultaneously with probably the most defining experience of my twenties, and who I am seems to have tumbled out of that one epiphanous event.
I know I'm talking in ambiguities. Perhaps it's time to talk in specifics. Most of you who know me personally have heard my "story," and it can be summed up pretty neatly just by saying the following: Girl wanted babies. Girl tried for babies. Girl did not get babies, even after several months of medical interventions. Girl went into serious denial over emotional repercussions of absence of babies. Denial ended abruptly one day when girl fell headlong into severe and acute depression. Depression forced girl to face the reality of her life, her spiritual journey, her very identity. To this day, period of depression stands out as the worst and bleakest of times yet also, the very best moments of life because of their stark honesty and the changes that were consequently wrought. Girl's perspective has never been the same, girl now sees every good thing in life as a gift and not something that God owes her.
What am I trying to say? I think this: wisdom and youth are contraries. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm a wise person (puh-leeze). However, I do feel like I finally have a hard-earned precious tiny bit of wisdom but now that I have this "life currency" to spend, I'm feeling short on years in which to spend it! It's like those 90-year-olds who win the lottery...it's just so sadly ironic! Now, I'm not comparing 30 to 90 -- nobody lecture me on the fact that I'm still "young" and all that. I know 30 is generally considered "youthful" if not "young" per se. What scares me is the fact that if the next 30 years pass as quickly as the first 30, then I'm in for the fastest ride of my life and I better buckle up and wear a helmet. THAT's what makes it hard to swallow when I type the number 30.
So, what to do? It's cliche, it's generic, it's way overused, but here 'tis: CARPE DIEM. It's the only thing I CAN do. Make my life better, fill my days with purpose, make a good use of my moments and hours by spending them wisely. So...with this in mind, I'm going to be gearing this blog toward that pursuit: the quest to spend my moments wisely. I welcome any thoughts, ideas, input toward achieving this end. I hope to capture here my many successes and hopefully, very few failures in making every moment count. I hope to be nurtured and encouraged by my friends here in blog-land and also by those who just check in on me here occasionally. Keep me accountable, push me onward. This would be the best birthday gift you could give me, for this big three-oh and all the subsequent celebrations of this life God has granted me. Happy birthday, me!
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2 comments:
Yes, WE have the big 30 coming up!!! (It's Em - cousin). Glad to see you typing again. Suggestion for living life... think of daily choices and not only how they play on your life but also others. Leave you mark... think of those precious nieces and nephews and all the other little ones we love so much. When our time nears the end... leave this world better than we found it and set a good example for those in our footsteps. I know I've mentioned before living the "greener" life for the last handful of years, but I can't tell you how much better I feel knowing that it's not only better for me but also those around and me and especially our little one. I try my best everyday to lead him in a positive direction, not to copy me but to show him the windows of opportunities and the many different paths we all can take or not take for that matter. I know, he's only 2, but just think of how much little ones copy our every action. Think about it...
Hi Em,
Thanks so much for the encouraging words. There's a lot of comfort knowing at least one other person is in the same boat with me -- turning 30 within the next month or so!
Anyway, would you be interested in writing a blog post for me? I would love to feature your suggestions on living greener. You could just type up a list of websites that have helped you or write out a list of products that you would endorse, that kind of thing. I would enjoy having you as a guest blogger!!! Let me know what you think.
B
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