Yes, I'm still here

I'm alive but...just barely, sometimes. I want to keep going with this blog even though my life has drastically changed in the last month...

I want to be honest but brief. I am separated from my husband, both legally and physically. We are living apart and our life together is very much shattered and as I put it to my friends, on life support. With people in the next room debating on whether it would just be better to pull the plug.

Yes, friends, it's that bad. I won't pretend that it isn't. However, I will not disparage my husband in this semi-public forum, even though it's my personal journal. Some things are just not share-able, nor should they be. So even though I might mention my thoughts and feelings about the separation, I won't mention specifics. Let it suffice to say that we both are contributors to the problems, and it will take both of us to come to a reconciliation. And it will have to be of the Lord, or it won't happen at all. Until then, I am going ahead with my life as best as I can, with the daily strength that only The Comforter can provide, nurtured through the day, sometimes from hour to hour, by the beautiful and amazing love I'm being shown and given by faithful friends and dearest loved ones. You guys know who you are, and I thank you with all of my heart.

So I hope all of my blog readers will forgive me if I'm not my usual self. However, life goes on. And that's what I'm trying to do...move on, looking to the future with hope, knowing that my future is in the right hands.

Contentment

I've been thinking about contentment today. As in, why do I struggle with a restless spirit? Is it part of my personality, or do we all struggle with it? If everyone fights it, why do we not admit it to each other and talk about it? Is it just the "grass is greener" principle, or is it just a feeling of anticipation for the future, of the parts of life yet to be lived? I think it's the latter. I don't feel like I compare myself to others so much anymore (a bad habit I'm working to completely eradicate!)...in my mind, it really is a matter of craving blessings directly from God's hands. I know He's in charge, I believe fully in His providential care. But believing in God's total sovereignty has an edge to it...you have to acknowledge that you're not in control, so that everything good you want out of life can only come from Him (every good and perfect gift...). Which means, all the good stuff happens on God's calendar and NOT on yours...er, mine. It can be frustrating, to say the least. However, looking back over my life, I'm glad God was in charge and not me. I've received many blessings that I would not have purposely chosen. I mean, think about it this way: if there were a store of blessings, and all the blessings were boxed up, pretty and shiny, arranged neatly in rows, and you had plenty of cash to buy up all the blessings to fill up a lifetime, I would have filled my shopping cart...well, with a lot of things that I haven't ended up with. I would have selected blessings based on my own vanity and selfishness...who wouldn't pick out "wealth" and "beauty" and "wisdom"? But who would willingly pick out "mission work"? Certainly not Becky; at least not the Becky I was a couple of years ago! But see, that's exactly my point. I love the fact that God is in charge. Even though He's denied me one of the greatest blessings in life...it's such a pretty blessing...it's in one of those glass counters, like where they keep the designer handbags...He has given me a few surprises along the way.

Well, even though that was rambling, I guess my thought for the evening is that true contentment lies in counting your blessings...especially the ones you would never have chosen for yourself...and waiting patiently for the next blessing waiting around the bend...even if it's not what you would choose.

Psalm 37:7a says,

7 Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him...

this is my prayer tonight.

Part-time is the best!

How did I ever cope with a full-time job? Well, the answer is, of course, not very well at all. I always seemed to be dragging myself through the week, just hanging on for the weekend, when I could finally sleep and then sit by myself for a while and have a good "think." I know this must sound spoiled and bratty of me, but it's the honest-to-goodness truth: I'm a girl who needs time to herself! And I know all my friends would laughingly agree. Yes, I see you all nodding your heads right now.

Thing is, I used to really fight this about myself. I used to see it as a serious flaw in my nature. I used to describe myself as inherently lazy! However, I've really been re-evaluating my perception of myself in this way. You know, God makes us who we are for very specific reasons. So instead of wondering why I'm a person who needs a rested mind and a relaxed body in order to function at my very best, I think I'll just embrace that and do what it takes to give myself...a rested mind and a relaxed body! It's no accident that God worked it out for me to go part-time with my job, and how easy it was to request it and be granted it by my bosses (even though I was terrified to ask). You see, I've been wanting to write a book (well, okay, books plural!!!) for a long time, and I know that God has opened the door for me to do so. And in doing so, He also provided a way for me to get the sleep and rest that I need in order to have a mind that can focus and think and concentrate and most importantly, LISTEN to what the Lord is telling me.

So, gone are the days of doping myself up with inordinate amounts of caffeine just to stay awake. Gone are the days of frying my brain at work 40 hours a week, using all my mental energies, only to come home and be brain-dead for the evening and completely useless to my husband and myself. Gone are the days of going through the motions, literally dreaming of Saturday mornings when I could get off the merry-go-round and have a LIFE.

You know, I really look up to and respect the people who, as I've realized, God has blessed with abundant stores of energy for their jobs and ALSO their families and lives outside of the corporate world. But I've also realized, it's not a bad thing to not be able to group myself in that category. God made me this way. And God provided an out. I'm truly, truly thankful for who I am, who God intended me to be.