a time for silence

If you know me personally, you know that I can always find something to say. About anything. Give me a topic, I will orally expound for the length of time you have to listen. So you can imagine my own shock when something happens that for all intents and purposes, renders me mute.

I've debated and debated sharing this here, but since this blog serves as my journal, I thought, either mention it here or there will always be a weird, inexplicable gap. And the truth is, I find such comfort in talking things out and since I've been so incapable of actual speech on this, I'm going to force myself to "say" it here. I had a miscarriage. There, I typed it. Not that it makes the reality of it any more real. Hardly. I've had the most difficult time embracing this as fact. I even tried to talk my OB/GYN out of that diagnosis...he kept furrowing his eyebrows as I tried to argue with what he was saying. But ultrasounds don't lie, nor does actual physical evidence. Isn't denial one of the stages of grief? Well, I've been firmly rooted in denial...and the thing is, I know why. I want to deny because if I accept, I accept all the spiritual implications of the experience. And where my spiritual state is concerned, this is the place where the rubber meets the road. This is the "battleground" (for lack of a better word) where I have met the Lord time and time again. You know the story about Jacob wrestling the Angel of the Lord? Yeah, I identify with that...I feel I've emotionally wrestled with God on this topic for half of my adult life!

For the past 6 years Adam and I have not prevented conception. I phrase it that way because we weren't "trying" per se for all those months, but definitely not preventing. Long story short: we tried, we failed, we gave up. After months and months of true emotional agony, I finally accepted what I felt the Lord was telling me: "not now, possibly never." Okay then. Well, then last August happened. I went to my OB/GYN for a check-up and shared some things with him which prompted him to do a quick ultrasound. What we found shocked both of us (my doctor has performed surgery on me and has literally held my hand through some truly heinous and scary reproductive problems). The ultrasound showed...perfectly normal girl functions! Dr. Ensley said, have at it kiddo, it looks like things are working. What followed from there was a see-saw, back-and-forth pondering, do I even want to try? Can I handle disappointment? We decided to just see what happened and hope for the best. And that's been the going mantra in my marriage where babies are concerned...until now.

You see, I think I had it in my head that God would either give a resounding "Yes!" with a healthy pregnancy, or a firm but loving "No" with simply no success. I had absolutely no preparation in my spirit for "Maybe." And that's exactly where I find myself. To me, that's what miscarriage is: a "maybe." A completed conception but not a completed pregnancy. Not a failed attempt, but a failed success. If that makes sense. And if I could summarize the nature of a miscarriage, it is exactly that: it doesn't make sense to me. Why start something that won't be finished? Why give hope and happiness only to snatch it away? You see what I mean about wanting to avoid the spiritual implications of what happened? These are not questions that are easy to ask, let alone be vulnerable and honest enough to accept the answers when they come.

And the answers have been coming. From surprising sources. Not only answers, but comfort in astonishing forms. I have found that the Lord is truly nigh to those of a broken heart. He doesn't allow something to happen and then leave you hanging off a cliff's edge, desperately grappling for an anchor, a foothold. He allows difficult and harsh things to happen but boy does He ever let you land on a feather pillow the size of Texas. At least, that has been my experience with this. I have found it so difficult to pray, and the extent of my prayers has been, Lord Jesus, I don't get it. I don't get it! But I know that the Holy Spirit hears the groanings of our spirit...it's like a heart language that only God can hear and understand, and I know God has been listening. I've had love and friendship manifested to me in truly remarkable ways. My husband has been amazing to me...and the greatest gift to come of all this has been a newfound spirit of unity and precious affection between us. How grateful I am for that! A couple of friends have given me such insightful, wise words that I now carry with me and repeat to myself in darker moments...again, what a gift! I think the sweetest outpouring of God's comfort came in the form of my 2-year-old niece Abigail. On the very day this happened, I went to my parents' house (I have a homing beacon that sounds shrilly in my head when bad things happen and it only goes quiet when in the presence of my mom and dad) and they had been babysitting Abby and well, in all truth, she couldn't get enough of her Aunt B that morning. She put her arms around my neck and gave me squeezes and refused to leave my lap. And her Aunt B didn't mind at all. You'd almost think it would make things worse to be around a little child, but that's the mystery of God...He knows what will comfort and that's what He provides. I don't think Abby will ever know how much her baby kisses blessed me that day.

As for answers...truth is being slowly revealed to me. I should say, I am slowly receiving the truth that is being shown to me. The Lord knows I have my defenses up but He is weaving this comfort and this truth around those defenses and pouring out His love in spite of my anger and hurt and fear. He is using this "battleground" to once again teach me of His ways.

All this to say, I don't have these answers yet, but I know I will be eager to share them when they come. The Lord will give me the words and my frozen tongue will melt! Until then, it is my greatest comfort of all to know that the Lord is nigh, and that He is working. I may be silent, but God is not. He is speaking, and I am listening.

On the sixth day of Christmas...

I pondered Santa Claus. You see, I avoid Santa in just about every way I can during the Christmas season: from passing over Santa wrapping paper and ornaments to clicking right past "Miracle on 34th Street" when it's on TV. Not that I think Santa is evil (I actually know people who ascribe to the whole "Santa" is really "Satan" just spelled differently theory, but that's quite a stretch, even for this girl), but I do think that overemphasizing the story of Santa Claus is at best a somewhat misguided distraction from celebrating Jesus (hello, it's CHRISTmas, not Santamas), and at worst, a dangerous counterfeit of the entire holiday! You see, Santa doesn't bother me when he remains in the background...like reading "T'was the Night before Christmas" as an appetizer but then reading Luke 2 as the main course. However, I get downright twitchy when I see the long line of kids at the mall waiting to get on Santa's lap to whisper in his ear the things they are longing for...it bothers me because a child should be taught to pray, to whisper into the ear of the Almighty the secrets and desires of the heart. I get frustrated when I see sleighs and reindeer and elves...and not a nativity scene in sight! I get downright emotional when I hear stories about the benevolent generousity of Santa...and not a word about the cruel suffering of the Saviour to give us the greatest gift conceivable: redemption and eternal life. I have heard some Christians say that Santa is harmless...well, I agree that he can be. If he serves as one example among many of giving generously to others (sort of like Robin Hood or a post-ghost Ebenezer Scrooge). If he is simply an anecdote. If he stays in the background.

On the fourth day of Christmas...

I reflected on my favorite Christmas carol...

Oh holy night!
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
I always think about how nature must groan under the weight of sin, how the world must be so drastically different from the beautiful planet that God the Creator formed and set in motion...
Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.
I am struck by the fact that the human soul has no relevance, no meaning, no value or purpose without the redeeming grace of the Saviour who appeared that night!
A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
I love how the word "thrill" is used in this lyric; it sends shivers up and down my skin. I think of the triumphal entry of Jesus into Jerusalem, how the Bible says that if man did not rejoice, then even the rocks would cry out in praise of the Saviour! How the Creation must have indeed felt a thrill that night, knowing that ultimate restoration to the Creator was finally beginning!!!
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!
I think of the verse in the Psalms that encourages us to "hold on, for joy comes in the morning." I have always treasured the absolute hope encapsulated in the promise of morning, the promise of an end to pain and suffering. And that promise was delivered to us that night!

Fall on your knees
I feel in awe of the holiness and majesty and beauty of God made flesh...
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine
Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine
Oh night divine

Truly He taught us to love one another
His law is love and His gospel is peace
Love came down to Earth when we should have been forsaken; peace was given to us when we deserved chaos and despair!
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
Anyone who has ever felt enslaved by sin rejoices in these words...
And in His name all oppression shall cease
Have you ever cried out His name in a moment of pure terror or anguish? If you have, you have felt the truth of this lyric!
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy name.
My heart swells with gratitude here...praises to you, oh holy Jesus, who loved us enough to take on the humble form of man and dwell among us, to give us life and hope and redemption!

ARGH!

This is me.




















This is what I've been thinking about:

T-Total depravity
U-Unconditional election
L-Limited atonement
I-Irresistible grace
P-Perseverance of the saints


This is me, thinking about what I've been thinking about.

Golly Moses

My daily Bible study is in the book of Exodus, and I am loving getting the "real story" about Moses and Aaron and Pharoah and the plagues that God sent on Egypt. Thing is, for far too long I had a mental picture of the time of the Exodus as put forth in the movie, The Ten Commandments. Now, that movie is great for a good visual adventure into Bible times, but sheesh, they got a LOT wrong. For one, how did I ever miss the fact that God told Pharoah (via Moses) that He wanted His people set free so "they can worship me in the wilderness"??? I never knew this! I never knew that this was the guiding force behind God's timing on the emancipation of the Israelites. Over and over in Exodus, we read that God did not want His people worshipping in the pagan land of Egypt. And if you know anything about Egyptian history and culture, you know that those folks spent their lives worshipping their gods and preparing for the afterlife. It has really gotten me to thinking on worship. Not so much the geographical nature of it, but how God wants our hearts to be free of external, pagan, sinful influences when we come to Him in a state of worship. How worship is such a holy act!!! Anyway, it's wonderful food for thought that I wanted to share.

I haven't been posting lately because, well, there is a lot of stuff going on in my life right now. And none of it's good, at least from what I can see. I know it will all be worked out for my good in the end, but here, in the middle of it, it feels anything BUT good. Just say a prayer if you think of it. I would appreciate it! In the meantime, my friend Moses is helping a lot. Excellent proof that God's Word is our daily bread, our comfort, our hope, our help. Thank you Jesus, for your Holy Word, given to us!

Genesis

My favorite book of the Old Testament! I've been re-reading it as part of my personal devotional time, and I was thrilled to discover new insights into the patriarchs. For example, as I re-read Jacob's struggles, it became clear to me that Jacob struggled with a lot of fear throughout his life. He dealt with a lot of uncertainty, even though much of that uncertainty was a direct consequence of his own actions...he put himself in jeopardy. He feared his Uncle Laban, he feared his brother Esau, he feared Pharoah's vizier (before he knew it was his own son, Joseph). However, and this is the awesome part, God was always protecting him. God intervened supernaturally many times on Jacob's behalf...including this instance in Genesis 32:1&2.

1 So Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him. 2 When Jacob saw them, he said, “This is God’s camp.” And he called the name of that place Mahanaim.<sup>[a]

(Manahaim means "double camp"...as in, the angels camped around Jacob's family's camp.)</sup>

Somehow, I had always read over that verse, never realizing its import. It was just so comforting to me to read that God surrounded His child with a camp of angels. Wow!!!

Anyway, in my study, I looked for supplementary materials, and found them in an unlikely place. This link will take you to Wikipedia and their encyclopedia of "Torah events." Even though it's a secular site, it has much to offer in the way of study materials! Hope someone else finds this useful!

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Torah_events

church history question

This may be out of the normal scope of my usual bloggings, but lately I've been very interested in the foundations of the Protestant Reformation (a rabbit trail off the path of my quest to prove that the 16th century is perhaps one of the most important in the realm of history...)

Anyhoo...so I've been studying Martin Luther. I have enjoyed reading his work and I'm a big admirer of his courage in facing his enemies and not yielding from what he believed. However, I've run into his writings on the Jews, and wow, it's so NOT cool what he believed about them. The Nazis even used his writings to defend their Final Solution for the Jews!!! So, here's my question.

I am perplexed that God would use a man like Martin Luther to achieve a lot of freedoms and new understanding within the church, so why would God give him such a powerful platform on which to pronounce judgement on His chosen people? This is really a rhetorical question; ie, just share your thoughts instead of trying to answer the question.

introducing my study on women in the Bible

As many of you know, about 4 years ago, after Adam and I realized that we were not growing spiritually in our church at the time (an understatement), we decided to make a "clean break" from the denominations that we had both been raised in (Baptist for me, Catholic for Adam). In all truth, this was no reflection on either set of our parents...our 4 respective parents raised us both to know the Lord and to love Him, and for that, Adam and I are both eternally grateful.

However, we had both come to a standstill in our spiritual lives in the place where we were at. For our own good, we knew we had to find a place where we could learn and grow. For me, this wasn't just a church-swap. In college, I realized that the private school I was raised in had put, for lack of a better word, "spiritual sludge" in my mind about the Lord and about how to live the Christian life. So when we decided to find a new church, I also decided to chuck out the window pretty much everything I had been taught up to that point (excluding the basics, of course...the virgin birth, Christ as Messiah and Redeemer, His glorious resurrection, etc.). I'm talking about...does God really care whether your skirt comes to your knee? Did He turn water into grape juice (whatever!) or was it wine as the Gospel says? What is speaking in tongues??? Is that "bad" as I had been taught? I had so many questions, I didn't know where to start, except to trash everything and allow myself to be instructed anew.

Long story short, that's indeed what happened at Southside Bible Church...we were instructed anew. And I think everyone can relate to this...do you know what it's like to be taught truth, and to know that it is indeed TRUTH, to the core of your deepest gut??? In essence, Adam and I have just BLOSSOMED in our church and our growth as followers of Jesus has been nothing short of phenomenal...to God be all the glory!

So what's your point with this blog entry, Becky? Please hold, I'm getting to that. One of the areas where I really struggled and fought with the teachings of my youth was the area of how God viewed women, what a woman's role in the church was, what God's expectations of a woman are, and so on and so on. And though I have learned MUCH in this area and have really found peace with the answers, I realized the other night that I've never done a Bible study on women in the Bible. I've done a pretty thorough study on the women in the Bible who experienced infertility, but hadn't really stretched beyond that, and the other night I had a strong desire to do so. So...I want to blog my findings, because basically, I think they're really really cool! Anyhoo, what a long introduction to a pretty simple Bible study! Stay tuned for my findings. I think that they will bless you, as they have blessed me.

Found! My Hosea notes...

Last year, I had the wonderful privilege of teaching a Bible study on the book of Hosea to a great group of women (Beth Jefferson's Bible study group). I finished the study right around this time of year, and then we moved into our new house in May, and sadly, I thought my notes hadn't survived the move and were gone for good. But, hallelujah, they are found! Adam just found them tucked away in one of his document folders, so I am going to post my notes here so they'll survive into infinity (well, as long as the Internet lives...), regardless of where life takes the Mancillas (and all their stuff).

I'm also posting them because a couple of people have asked me for my notes, and I'm only too eager to share them. Teaching this book was difficult (this isn't like teaching Psalms!), but probably my most rewarding experience in the Word of God to date. God showed me amazing things about Himself through this book: mostly how He is such a jealous God over us...He loves us so much He simply can't stand sharing us with anyone or anything else. What a beautiful truth to cling to! It is my hope that these notes will bless somebody, somewhere. God's Word does not return void!

So without further ado, here was my hand-out on Hosea 1:

HOSEA
Introduction and Chapter 1

Historical Background
When Solomon (David’s son who reigned after him) died, the Israelites were separated into two kingdoms: the Northern Kingdom, Israel, and the southern Kingdom, Judah (10 tribes revolted and formed the Northern Kingdom of Israel; they did not want Solomon’s son Rehoboam as king, but the 2 remaining tribes were loyal to Rehoboam and formed the Southern Kingdom of Judah). Hosea lived in the Northern Kingdom and his king was Jeroboam II (13th king of the Northern Kingdom), a wicked king. Jeroboam II brought prosperity to the people of Israel (by taxing other nations under his power), but the people grew comfortable in their wealth and turned away from God. They committed many types of sin, but the sin that grieved the heart of God more than anything else was the sin of idolatry.
Because the division of the nation, Jeroboam I (the ancestor of Jeroboam II and the 1st king of the Northern Kingdom) was afraid of his people going to Jerusalem (into the Southern Kingdom) to worship, and as a result, that he would lose power over them. So Jeroboam I set up golden calves for the Israelites to worship, so they wouldn’t leave the Northern Kingdom for Jerusalem (1 Kings 12:26-33). This idol worship became worse and worse over the next 150 years, as the Israelites began participating in drunkenness, religious prostitution, and human sacrifice.

Sin of Jehu
Jehu was the 10th king of the Northern Kingdom of Israel and Jeroboam II’s great-grandfather. He wasn’t born into his kingship; in fact, he was actually just a soldier in the king’s army, when God commanded his prophet Elijah to anoint Jehu king in order to judge the sins of Ahab and Jezebel and stop their line form continuing. To do so, Elisha (who replaced Elijah) secretly anointed Jehu king and ordered him to destroy the house of Ahab, in accordance with God’s will. Jehu obeyed and killed King Joram (Ahab and Jezebel’s son) at Jezreel. Jehu then killed all the sons of Joram and Joram’s mother, Jezebel; then he killed all the ministers of Baal and destroyed the temple of Baal in Jezreel. All of this was in obedience to God and Jehu acted according to God’s will. However, Jehu did not go all the way in keeping with God’s will; he tolerated the worship of the golden calves in his kingdom. He destroyed one form of idol worship by getting rid of the Baal temple and priests, but he allowed another form of idol worship.

What is a prophet? Prophets are:

*Called by God in a special way (the Lord spoke to Hosea [1:2], the word of the Lord came to Jeremiah [1:4], Isaiah saw a vision [1:1], Daniel had dreams)

*Sometimes, God used His prophets to be living examples of the message that He wanted to give to His people (Hosea was told to marry a prostitute in order to be a living example of God’s unconditional love for His people; however, Jeremiah was forbidden to marry or have children in order to demonstrate the persecution, suffering, and death that awaited the fathers, mothers, and children of Israel [Jeremiah 16:1-4]. Isaiah went naked and barefoot for 3 years to foretell of what would happen to those Israelites who trusted in other nations for protection instead of trusting in God [they would be stripped of all their possessions and carried into captivity]).

*God expected obedience from a prophet, even with the threat of death and even in the midst of great personal suffering (Hosea must have suffered terribly over the infidelity of his wife; Jeremiah’s life was threatened [11:21]; Daniel was in danger of losing his life many times).

*Prophets came from all walks of life (Amos was a farmer, Ezekiel was a priest; even women and children were used as prophets).

*Spoke truths that ultimately point to Jesus Christ, whether these truths were symbolic or specific (Hosea includes a symbolic prophecy of Jesus; Isaiah [53:3-6] includes a specific prophecy about the crucifixion).

What were the names of Gomer’s children, and what did their names mean? What do you think God was trying to communicate through the names of these children to the people of Israel?

*Jezreel: “God scatters.” Perhaps a warning of the judgment to come, and what kind of judgment that might be.

*Lo-Ruhamah: “not loved” or “no compassion” or “no mercy.” Perhaps a sign of how harshly God would deal with the Israelites if they continued to be unrepentant.

*Lo-Ammi: “not my people.” God would officially turn His back on Israel, but perhaps only this generation of them. God made a covenant with Abraham, and God doesn’t break his promises (Genesis 22:17).

What can we learn from Jehu’s sin?
When obeying God, obey Him completely and don’t think you can hide anything from Him or get away with “details.”

If you were Hosea, what would you have done? Has God ever asked you to do something that was uncomfortable or strange? What did you do?

How seriously does God take the sin of idolatry? What is the definition of idolatry? How do we worship other idols today?